How is it that you say and know things very different from how you feel? For example we know we want to travel, we know we want to do jobs that make us happy. and yet... we are still dogged by a strange feeling of guilt that this is all one big holiday and we are "running away" or aren't "being responsible". We have wanted this for such a long time and it is happening. We should be happy. We are happy. But there is always this gnawing feeling that the money we spent is not being replenished and we are walking away from stability. Luckily, Lisa is my balance and when I panic we are going to walk home with our begging bowls; she brings me back to the reality of our very spoilt situation with a phrase "shut up with your 1st world issues."
When we left England I was ecstatic. UKIP was on the rise, education was in full decline (in my experience) and I was ready for something new and with someone I loved. How is it then that you can be laying in bed on the far side of the world; with friends welcoming you into their home and with all the comfort you could possibly wish for and still feel like your not achieving enough? I for one have always been potential. I have forever had the "possibility of being something good" and if I am honest now instead of making me feel free to "achieve anything" I am dogged by a constant doubt that I am not doing enough. As you may know we did an incredible, challenging (for us) four day hike up the north coast of south island New Zealand, in a place called Abel Tasman. What you may not have heard is that we met a wonderful young German obviously named Erik. When i asked him his life story: he was about to go home to begin a law degree. My foot sore and tired wit made a jibe about him being a lawyer and one day being rich. He responded with absolute honest confusion and with warm efficiency said "No, politics. I want to make a difference." And he believed it. It made me wonder if the constant push to be rich and successful was an English thing. He enjoyed tramping, why did he need to be rich? But I am 27 now, I dismissed his lesson as youthful passion. Besides, the time of being potential is surely over right?
Lots of facebook friends are buying houses and getting married; I no longer have the comfort blanket of "it's all ahead of you". This is my life now, I'm in it. We are a generation promised to be well educated as we flooded universities and it feels a bit like expectations were very high. When I was a child I wanted to own my own charity by now... instead I am writing this from someone else's house on someone else's laptop. Ironic. Admittedly with a view over a harbour that would blow my little old mother's socks off. Experiences that should rock my world are drained because of some misshapen desire to be greater than that which I am. I wanted to quit and travel more than anything. The second I did I was torn wanting to further my career. I want a slow no-responsibility job. Yet have just agreed to go and spend time in a private school that would sponsor me for a minimum of three to five years. Sometimes paranoia is easy. It is the fear that people are talking about you and somehow actually you glean way more importance in a situation than you deserve. See; I just did it there. I was more concerned that you knew that I knew I wasn't important than the point I was trying to make. God forbid you think that I think everything is about me. But then again paranoia can be subtle. It can slowly rob the every day amazing-ness by dripping slow reminders into your ear that you could be doing more.
Our next obligatory life lesson came at the hands of a man wearing a fleece T-shirt. Only in New Zealand. Stood outside the white water rafting center making quips about the British and travelers who shit in holes when they live in vans. So I lied and made a claim that I had never been to the toilet outside... It took a couple of glasses of wine and he admitted to being the owner and that he made less money than the amazing people who guide you down the level five rapids. He just loved his life. He lived on a farm near by and was in the process of crafting three wooden boats with some enthusiasts that he did a twenty one day voyage down the grand canyon with. Just let that sink in. He was living a labour of love. I know it sounds all romantic but part of me immediately put it aside as "it's always easier said than done to get paid for doing what you love". So is it actually hard to do that or is it that you are ill equiped after educating yourself for a career you never really needed. Like learning how to mine and then realising you want to own a farm. Is it a fact that the "lucky few" get to be happy in life and work or is it just a modern mind set? You could have a career. Why would you risk that earning potential to spend time thinking about what would make you truly happy. How many people do you know who love their working lives? I seem to know more than I would have realised... It is a very hard thing to do to actually step out of modern financial safety and into the often misguided concept of "true happiness". How cliche that a Muppet writing a blog while on a jolly suddenly discovers the meaning of true happiness.
This is not what I am writing about. Of course we worked hard and earned enough to travel across the world and are with a loved one and have made friends and seen natural wonders we never thought possible. But you need a job and let's be honest your getting old and should be stable and providing a nice house and car, shouldn't you? You may not believe this but: It's hard to stop and realise that spear fishing your own dinner and eating it still bubbling covered in lime with a new friend is everything humanity wants. But it seems like standing between where you are and happiness is you. Constantly battling with the doubts and insecurities unable to enjoy anything that is laid out in front of you; unless it's so extreme you fear for your life. This is life. You will read this, you may already 'understand' what is 'truly valuable' and yet we still always want something else. Something different. Like someone watching us is keeping tabs on progress and we might be falling behind the neighbours. I admit that at times I do things and get embarrassed even when there is no possibility that anyone could have seen me... Isn't it strange. We all know deep down that it doesn't make us happy and yet we can't help it. We have no control over feelings. The bit of our brain which says "do more" or "your not enough yet". Maybe it's an evolutionary tool to ensure we progress sufficiently. Maybe it is indicative of the education that pushes you constantly through, blindly guided by correlations between grades and earning potential. But I want rid of it. I want to appreciate what I have. The people who respond to my whats apps, who took the time to meet me and invite me to meet their family. So what i guess I am learning is to try really hard to discern value from money. We will always be safe, we have family and support if we really need it. It's a bloody charmed life we lead in the end and besides we have plenty of time to put those hard earned degrees to good use right? The moments we will look back on forever. I may be 'slow on the uptake' with all this and most people probably had this a while ago; but I can't say I have it under control completely. Just that I want to.